Rethinking Hangover Food

People who’ve spent weekends with me probably know this about me: I always want a bagel when I’m hungover. Broad Ripple Bagel (or, to some, Bagel Deli) in Indianapolis, Angel Dio in South Korea, Chicago Bagel Authority in Chicago, the nearest deli in New York. All of them.

The Sacred Bagel

That first meal the morning after a couple of beers is critically important: it needs to be easy on the stomach, usually greasy, have a comfortable texture, and be able to absorb your bad mistakes. This sacred meal is usually taken with an oath that it will be the last of its kind, which is never the case. It generally occurs around ten or eleven o’clock in the morning (unless you’ve gotta work). Primarily eaten alone, steeped in remorse, it may also be eaten with friends – but only in total silence, with heads lowered. It should also require minimal effort to prepare and eat, using only the bare necessities for preparation and consumption. It should be nearby, too: fridge, corner store, cafeteria.

As an adult, I’ve largely avoided crippling, aggressive hangovers since arriving in China. But, there’ve been a few mornings where I crave an ‘everything bagel’ absolutely sickeningly full of cream cheese, so much so that it oozes out when you take a bite, or a steaming hot Earth Day bagel wrapped in oily tin foil.

I’ve thought extensively about what will take the place of the Sacred Bagel while I’m in China. This is not a decision I make lightly, but one that requires deep philosophical thought and an in-depth analysis of all of the options available. Do I cook it? Something I can order online? If ordered, how long will it take to arrive on weekend mornings? Do I need to start frequenting the same place often enough that they know my order, and, with my worst headache, I don’t even have to speak? Routines matter.

As I walk to and from school in the mornings, I ponder these questions – putting my college degree to good use. I also experiment. This weekend I had leftover chicken soup. I figured the salty broth would be good for my shriveled liver and the chestnuts wouldn’t upset the fragile ecosystem in my stomach. I took the soup out of the fridge and tipped the bowl into a warming pot. It didn’t move.

The gelatinous brick was only freed from its upside-down home with the help of a spoon. Not a promising start; my stomach did a flip. But, when fresh, the soup had been great, and I didn’t want to waste it. On the plus side, it didn’t need to be cooked, only warmed, and required little effort to eat. And the broth did help. It scored alright overall as a hangover meal but did quite well in the convenience category.

Dumplings.

I’ve also tried dumplings. The hand-folded dumplings that were left over from a recent feast lay in my freezer, ready to be fried in oil. This was a better choice than soup, closer to achieving the end goal of the hangover meal. However, there’s a Dumpling Dilemma: ridiculously hot oil and the need to be near it for several minutes with a painful hangover.

But, if you survive an onslaught of bubbling oil, there’s a rich reward – especially when dipped in vinegar and chopped garlic. My stomach thanked me for creating a ripe bed into which I could deposit several painkillers before returning back to bed. There are also several readily available types of dumplings, which are especially popular as a morning food in my Chinese province. Being able to grab a steamed bun from any corner store makes this a very promising replacement for the bagel.

Then, there’s packaged ramen. This delicacy – especially popular among college students and late-night eaters – only requires one input: boiling water. Preparing it is just as easy: just rip open the packet of sauces and dried ingredients before adding the water. I would be remiss not to note that a fried egg – although slightly more effort – is an unbelievable addition to this meal in a cup, providing much-needed nourishment to accompany a meal that is otherwise lacking in this regard.

However, after much deliberation and experimentation, I can safely say ramen should be consumed only after coming home at night, not the morning after. For whatever reason, maybe its Asian origin, ramen should also be eaten in a social setting. It tastes better that way. So, should you be considering ramen as your hangover food: don’t. Some things just aren’t right.

My college friends would have my head if I didn’t mention one more pre-bedtime meal, packed with nutrition and perfect for refueling: Pepperidge Farm goldfish. This seafood delicacy is best eaten from the large, 30oz cardboard carton: the opening is too small for a normal hand, thus requiring creativity and critical thinking that pair perfectly with an expensive college degree.

The pretzel version is a solid choice, but the normal cheddar flavor still takes the cake. This snack can – should the right occasion arise – be eaten in the morning as a hangover snack (not meal). On these occasions, it is best eaten in bed while laying down, thereby minimizing the amount of effort needed to transport the fish from carton to mouth.

Another simple option is eggs on toast. While decidedly not a local Chinese option, this scores well for two reasons: 1) it’s cheap and 2) it’s easy to prepare. However, should you feel lazy and decide to microwave eggs, I hope the resulting texture and bland ‘food’ you’ve just created brings you to your knees as you throw up. Like Victor Frankenstein, you too should regret creating a monster.

Instead, I recommend fried eggs, easy-over, so that you can dip the toast and avoid drying out your dry mouth even further. Scrambled is okay too. That said, I’ve yet to see a loaf of bread in the supermarket near me, so for those in Asia this may pose a problem. Many bread options are also deceivingly sweet so be wary when selecting a bakery item for the base of your next hangover meal.

Recently, purely for experimental reasons, I decided to test an online food delivery option. I thought it would be helpful to try noodles to vary my testing. In China, though, the delivery app Ele.me is not in English. The price for a lack of effort here is the amount of (so, so) bright screen time required to scroll through pictures of foods with names you can’t read. Depending on the sorry state of your being, you may also be prone to falling back asleep shortly after checking your phone and placing your order. Obviously, this is a problem for the delivery dude who’s standing at your door.

You will also have to wait for your food and this could mean delaying the huge quantity of water your body is craving in tandem with a meal. Noodles, though, when they arrive, are givers of life to your dehydrated nephrons, especially if they come immersed in a salty broth. Beware, though, you may not have control of the ingredients and I have found myself, in the past, biting into something unknown that I wholly, wholly regret putting in my mouth.

Japanese 拉面/ramen, the parent of the packaged stuff.

In this category also falls the sub-category: fast food. For those brave enough to venture out into a bright, loud city in search of a McDonalds, KFC, or equivalent, you are far braver than I. The simplicity of fast food makes it a great – and usually safe – option, though. Generally, in any country, there are pictures to accompany the items and the universality of the big brands makes popular options consistent around the world.

If, when living in a city, this meal requires a cab or some sort of public transportation where you can’t control the amount of fresh air whipping your face, the cool breeze keeping you alive like an IV from Mother Nature, I recommend reconsidering. I hadn’t thought much about it before this week, but I can’t say I’ve seen any recognizable fast-food in Qingtian. Scratch that option for small-town China.

Another option, for college students and teachers in China, is the school cafeteria. Here, my meals are free and there are always plenty of oily options. Free is a huge plus but there’s a hurdle that’s too great for me to overcome: breakfast is over by 8am. This, while possible to do, greatly hurts the ranking of this option – especially when it requires walking all the way to school (which is, in reality, not far at all). Also, there’s no way to control what you’re gonna get, but maybe the gamble is part of the reward. Again, though: free.

I have also, at least once, walked passed campus while looking like I just got hit by a bus. This, depending on if you opt to venture out for a hangover meal, can be a factor: will you pass elderly folks who stare disapprovingly? Maybe a noisy construction site? Is there a chance you’ll see an ex-partner, the parent of a student, or a coworker? Choose your route wisely and decide whether or not it’s worth the possible interaction you may be forced to endure. If you’re in such a state that none of these thoughts would even cross your pounding, headache-wrapped brain, then by all means, take the fastest route! Godspeed.

Coffee plays an interesting role in this discussion. There are two questions when it comes to deciding on whether or not to have coffee with your hangover meal: 1) Am I eating this meal so that I feel well enough to chug a liter of much-needed water before returning to bed? No coffee. There’s no reason to jeopardize falling back asleep. 2) Will I be required to push through, to work all day and behave as a functioning member of society? Death before decaf, baby. Onwards. However, many of the Chinese foods I’ve mentioned don’t pair exceptionally well with coffee. They’re not traditionally Western breakfast foods. This took a little getting used to but the need for coffee outweighed any confusion my body had.

Finally, you may also have noticed that none of these options are sweet. If you opt for a sweet food instead of a savory one for your hangover meal, even in a moment of weakness because your fridge is otherwise empty and your bank account is in ruins, please never speak to me again. We are not compatible as friends.

Liquid Gold

Now, for those with weak stomachs (and knees), I recommend you give up reading at this point. This next discussion is for the brave, for those truly committed to the lifestyle, for those prepared to do whatever it takes to have more beers than they ought to regardless of the consequences. If this is you, dear reader, just prepare yourself in advance. Think ahead and look out for your friends.

So, should you, as many have before, be required to work after a night out, it’s imperative to consider the long-term impact of your hangover meal decisions. Why? Well, in Asia, the Middle East, and other parts of the world, you may well need to use a squat toilet. That is to say, a toilet that requires you to squat down over a hole and bring a so, so carefully calculated amount of toilet paper with you. This, for a number of reasons, should make you wary of what you put in your body before heading to the office with sunglasses on and an electrolyte-packed drink in hand.

To return to the note on coffee, it’s necessary to understand the effect that coffee has on the digestive system before blindly charging head-first into a 24oz cup of steaming, liquid gold – no matter what kind of toilet you will use. This is incredibly important to consider if you’re going to be stuck in meetings or standing in front of a classroom full of kids. For every action, there is a reaction. Adding beer to the normal equation may throw your body for a loop. Plan ahead. For persons with a coffee addiction, you may already understand the schedule your coffee-craving body follows in the digestive regard. If so, I commend you and the life you live based on precise timing. For coffee drinkers, timing is everything.

This is an ongoing list, one that I will reconsider every time I have a hangover meal until I return to the Land of the Bagel. Some philosophical questions aren’t meant to be answered. This is one of them; one that I am forced to reckon with as a result of ongoing bad decisions and a refusal to live a healthier lifestyle.

Now, time for dumplings and coffee.